The Right to Bear Immigrants
You want the right to bear arms?
Well I want the right to bear immigrants.
Some of the same people who advocate for gun control, even though it causes collateral damage, want to completely ban the risk posed by potential immigrants. That’s contradictory. We either tolerate a little more risk to be a freer and more inclusive, or we start nerfing everything that hurts us. You can’t just have the freedom to use your dangerous things while criminalizing or banning others. If I did that, I would have to be anti-gun. I’ve been woken up in the middle of the night and had a gun held to my forehead, and I still believe the second amendment protects the right to own and operate a gun. I don’t want one, but you can have one.
Why would I believe that if it doesn’t personally benefit me? Because my principle is that freedom sometimes comes at a price and I will proudly pay my share. If you’re being generous in your tolerance of firearms, which are designed to destroy, how about a little tolerance for people who were designed to heal, and be creative, and study, and work, and buy and sell? And if you rolled your eyes at that statement, please get around more people, they’re almost always better than you think. Syrians too.
Ok, but immigrants commit TERROR. Look at Europe motherfucker! You gonna tolerate terror?! Well…yes. I’m going to tolerate 10–70 terrorist homicides a year in order to support the millions of immigrants who comprise this country.
I tolerate way more automobile risk just so I can drive to a room full of depressed comedians every night. Living is tolerating risk. If that terrorist death toll increases by an order of magnitude the way it did on 9/11, we’ll have to have another conversation, but right now I’m comforted by the fact that we weren’t just admitting people willy-nilly before Trump. In the same way that most gun owners support universal background checks, I support a rigorous vetting and monitoring process for people who come from conflict zones. What about that one poisonous m&m though?! It only takes one bad Muslim!
I think that poisonous m&m is our job to deal with. We have police and security forces and frankly ourselves for that. I know that deep down, deep beneath my self-consciousness and my soft, lady-like features, I’ve got a badass switch. A lot of us have it, I’ve just been unlucky enough to witness mine in a few high-risk situations. If 1 poisonous m&m makes it through our countries vetting process, and starts making a bad name for immigrants in the NATION OF IMMIGRANTS, I will personally fight crime. And so would you in all likelihood. Just look at the way people react to active shooters and bombers.
We come together and act heroically. If I’m around when something goes down, I’m either finding help, barricading, or going full fucking Die Hard.
Where did our cultural cliches go on this issue? We sound so risk-averse. Imagine if instead of saying “MEHHH WE CAN’T ACCEPT THE RISK” you just cocked your glock, put on your best Daniel Craig face, and went “we will protect you…from the m&ms.”
I literally have goose pimples on my large, estrogen-filled nipples just thinking about that, but you’re gonna leave this badass line for me to say?! Why am I the only one saying “yippe-cay-aay?” A fucking standup comedian.
Fuck that, we all live in America and we all pay the price for freedom. It’s about $1.05. It’s very low. If you lived 100 lives you might be called to fight a terrorist act once, and guess what, it would be the most meaningful moment of your life, I guarantee it. You know what’s not going to be meaningful? That time you held strong on the immigration issue. That time you were no-nonsense about advocating deportations and Muslim travel bans to your “naive” friends. If that’s the hill that you choose to die on, you’ll end up a soggy rug.
For more philosophy, humor, analysis, oversharing, check out YouTube.com/DevinGreene.
